I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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