There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Enjoy the penises
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
