I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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