I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
