do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
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