You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
