brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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