85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
