If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
