woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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