I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
