The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
