My first STD was from a foam party
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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