I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
