i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
