She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Someone signed my nipple.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
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