btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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