and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
