Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
handjob tips. give me some.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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