mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
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The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
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I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize