just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
