I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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