No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
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Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
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Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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