My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We are all done wearing pants today
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
