dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
