I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
