I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
