I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
