I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Randomize
