if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
