You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Randomize
