If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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