whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
