You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Randomize
