singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
