I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
