This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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