The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Randomize
