oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You can't just leave with hair like that
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
