it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
