I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
