Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
