i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
i now understand why vodka
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
