Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
