I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
