Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
