Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
