Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
