dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
50% drunk capacity currently
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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