We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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