Betty ford says i'm here all night
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
