found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
