Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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