i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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