Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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