her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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