I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
