my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
