I haven't been this sober since birth.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Randomize
