I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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